Hell Rhymes With Shell

Somewhere On The Coast Of Maine

The 90s television situation comedy Stanley's Girls ran for eleven seasons. Natalie played Gina, one of Stanley's five daughters. Gina (Natalie) was the gorgeous, busty, wise-cracking middle daughter. She was the loving handful of problems for the show's single father, Stanley, brilliantly portrayed by the late comedian Rollie Archer. The catchphrase most associated with Gina was, "You know me, Dad, I'm a freaking idiot." The scriptwriters made sure to slip that line into each episode starting in the second season. Viewers loved it.

By the end of the show's third season, school kids were referring to themselves as "Freaking Idiots" on playgrounds, in classrooms, and at home. Some of the Tee Shirts the phrase spawned were now worth thousands of dollars on auction sites. 

The very famous Freaking Idiot poster of Natalie in an "almost not there" bikini hung in many young boys' rooms. 

Without a doubt, Gina was a favorite character on the show as American audiences watched her grow up on television every Thursday at 9 P.M.

 Nat was just 18 when she landed the part in the pilot episode. When the network had to cancel the show, she was almost 30.

The show has been running in syndication and is now on streaming networks for years. It is strong in international markets, making Natalie very wealthy.

David, Natalie's ex-husband and manager, understood the coming storm that digital rights would create before the networks did. As the show gained popularity, Gina became a fan favorite. David skillfully negotiated for less money than the other players wanted while taking an enormous slice of digital rights for Nat. She sacrificed her earnings while the show ran but gained much more after it was canceled.

David was brilliant, but he had a little problem. He is an asshole. There is no better word to describe him.

The industry hated dealing with him, and he was a tabloid-documented shit of a husband despite making his wife astoundingly wealthy.

The divorce happened three years ago, and both sides fought hard during the proceedings. Each side claimed abuse and mistreatment. It was huge Hollywood news.

David wanted most of Natalie's money, and it looked like he was going to take it until photographs of a badly beaten Natalie were sold to the tabloids. 

Natalie's face, with blackened eyes and tears on her cheeks, were viewed at every supermarket check-out lane during the final phase of the trial. Who the hell would beat sweet Gina? That was how the public and the jury perceived it. David got a lot of money in the settlement but nothing close to what he felt he deserved.

Natalie was thinking about all of this when she stepped onto the large wraparound porch of The Breakfast Bee.

The weather was shaping up, and the ocean was beautiful.

Somewhere On The Coast In New England

Everyone knows the new car smell, and I'm here to tell you that our new home has a new home smell. We unpacked the on-site storage box and loaded our belongings into the trailer. The new deck construction started today and will finish tomorrow, so we went through the other door with a temporary stairbox leading to it.

Everything hooked up, and we were in. Tango patrolled the inside and found a spot for his bed. His tail is wagging, so I'm sure he's pleased. When the new deck is finished, his pile of driftwood sticks will be put back in place. It has been a long day that went as planned.

Eve, Tango, and I headed for the seawall across the street with some Italian Sub sandwiches, dog treats, and wine. Although it was still cold this time of year, we dressed warmly and watched the gulls fight over something dead on the beach. Soon, they would start digging into the trash cans, looking for fast food bags with bits of fries. 

Eve tossed the first pitch, "Do you think seagulls can get diabetes?" I added more to the conversation: "Maybe we could make little seagull wheelchairs for when their legs are cut off." 

She continued, "Soon enough, there would be do-gooders on the beach throwing nets over the gulls to give them insulin shots." I added, " Can you see the commercial with some crying British musician saying "Every day, thousands of innocent seagulls are diagnosed with Type II diabetes because of the food we feed them."  "You can help them live everyday lives with your donations to...

"Then she added, "If they were in wheelchairs, Tango would finally be able to catch them."  

I continued, "Motorized wheelchairs but electric ones so we don't hurt the environment." We can put solar charging stations on the beach."  

Eve piped again, "Oh, we just hit a snag because gulls don't have debit cards." "Since this is beach-related, we should take it to Shark Tank."

We could go on forever, but it was getting windy and colder.

Tango ran onto the beach to exercise by chasing gulls he never catches.

Eve snuggled close and asked, "What will you work on next, Allston?"

"I was thinking of taking a few days off." "I need to hit the gym and the range, and I was thinking of taking a day trip up north to snag one or two of those fancy cameras we saw."

Eve said, "I need to return to the bakery tomorrow and keep everything on track." 

I leaned in and kissed her, "I'll be here when you get home."

"I'll have muffins and a few scones."

"That's why I'll be home."

I waited for an arm punch, but it never happened. She kissed me sweetly. "Let's go home, Thomas."

When she calls me Thomas, I know I'm about to get lucky. I threw out, "Let's go, Evelyn."

She whistled for Tango, and he came running with something gross in his mouth.

Eve said, "That's not going to the new house."

Somewhere On The Coast Of Maine - Earlier Today

Natalie walked off The Bee's porch, crunched over the shells, and headed for the rear of the parking lot. She noticed a car parked next to hers as she approached her Jeep. There were plenty of open spaces, but this one was near her car, furthest from the front door.

That's odd, she thought.

When Natalie was seventeen, she hitchhiked alone to Los Angeles from Kentucky to start her acting career. During her first six months in L.A., she developed something she didn't need much in Kentucky: Street Smarts.

For whatever reason, Natalie felt wary at this moment, but she continued to move toward her Jeep, showing no fear.

The car was an older model, which was not strange for the area, but the license plate was not from Maine or any other New England state. The car seemed to be held together with duct tape and Bondo. It was a mess.

As she moved toward her Jeep, the driver's side door opened, and a man emerged. He was shorter than Natalie and had a wisp or two of hair on his bald head. He looked straight at Nat; she thought he looked like he lived in his car. His clothes were lived in, and at ten feet away, Natalie could smell him as he got closer.

"Excuse me, are you Natalie Leuze?" he asked.

She saw that he was holding what looked like a photo, which immediately ruled him out as a process server. She theorized that he must want an autograph.

"I am her; what can I do for you?"

"I'm asking everyone to autograph a cast photo from the show, and I hoped you would sign it for me."

He moved in front of her, and she noticed that he smelled horrible.

She hesitated a second. "Of course, I'll sign your photo." Natalie was not sure why she felt so uneasy, but she did. What was that smell? she thought to herself. The man handed Natalie the photo, and she saw that only one other cast member had signed it.

Rollie Archer, Stanley himself, long deceased, had signed the photo. She looked at it again and believed it was Rollie's signature. Rollie fell off his horse on his ranch in Wyoming and died. Rollie's death was the reason the show was canceled. You can't have a show called Stanley's Girls without Stanley.

"Wow! I see that you got Rollie's signature!" "When was that?"

"He signed it at a Diner in Casper, Wyoming, two weeks before he died." "He was very nice to me."

"Hey, you're having good luck with diners." "Rollie was a great guy; you're lucky you met him."

The man said, "I want the whole cast to sign this so I can frame it."

"Well, a trip to France may be in the cards for you if you want to get Ellie's autograph. She has lived there for years".

"I hope to catch her stateside if she returns for an event."

"Well, good luck with your project. Who should I sign this to?

"Could you please just sign your name?" 

Natalie always had a Sharpie ready for these rare moments. She held the photo on her Jeep and signed her name right near her place on the image.

Natalie got nervous, and she wanted this to be over. He smelled, but there was something familiar about it. What was it she thought?

"Thank You,"

He pulled something from his pocket in a very casual but practiced manner as she handed him the photo. He looked at her, then, like a stepped-on cat, he hissed at her and stabbed her on her left side with his left hand. She staggered back and tried to block his next three stabs as he moved forward. She was now on her knees, and he continued to stab and slash her.

She got dizzy and grabbed a handful of the crushed white shells. She was bleeding out fast, and she heard him laughing as he drove away. She saw his Ohio license plate.

Natalie was dying as she looked up at the blue sky and went to black.

.